A Very Bellatrix and Narcissa List of Suggestions
by Madea's Rage
Summary: Bellatrix and Narcissa attempt to give dating advice to the muggle masses, and Lucius gets a bit of unwelcome information.


**A/N: Love to reviewers and Countess Black.**

**Bellatrix **insisted on writing a sequel. Fortunately, Narcissa and (_Lucius_) were there as moderating forces. Also, I somehow got sucked in again.

Silence-verse, you know the drill.

**IT IS I. I HAVE RETURNED TO ENLIGHTEN YOU ALL**. **ALSO, NARCISSA IS HERE.**

Trixie, love, do lower your voice.

**DON'T BE SILLY, NARCISSA. THE MUGGLES MUST HEAR THIS**.

I'm sure they hear us perfectly (Don't you, darlings? Do sit up straight for me, won't you?) And frankly, my head is pounding.

**It seems to be a family affliction-perhaps something in the water of this house?**

(_Not likely. LM_)

**SHUT UP MALFOY!**

Trixie, love, please? You're scaring them.

**I've no idea why. The cat is unharmed. It enjoyed my company.**

(_Yes, that's why she won't come out now_.)

**Perhaps it doesn't care to look at your smirking face, Malfoy.**

(_Clearly, she prefers eau de loup.)_

**I SAID SHUT UP!**

My head really is pounding.

( _I hope you're happy, Bellatrix_).

**I am always happy. And do you know why?**

( _Your total insanity has robbed you of the ability to feel anything else?)_

**I. SAID. SHUT. UP. And no. My love of his Lordship is why.**

(_Perhaps you'd like to spend a decade or so silently contemplating it?)_

**Don't be stupid. How would I then help the muggles?**

(_Again, silence is golden. And most women like gold, I find_.)

**Pig. Today, we are here to help you in the selection of a proper muggle partner.**

Bellatrix, I shan't help you with this writing thing if you insult my husband.

**I'LL ASK THE MUGGLE GIRL. SHE'S AMBLING ABOUT USELESSLY.**

Madea is far too fond of us. And we're in her room, she's a right. Though she could be walking more gracefully, I suppose.

**SHE NEEDS OUR TIPS MOST OF ALL. DOES SHE THINK TO BE A WITHERED OLD MAID FOREVER?**

*A/N: I'm 22.*

**IN YOUR MUGGLE STUPIDITY, YOU'VE PROVED MY POINT.**

*A/N: Madam Malfoy, she's doing it again.*

(_You think you've had a rough go? I used to get this every holiday. Even my birthday.)_

Darling, what Bellatrix means is, perhaps you should consider that we're not getting any younger ourselves. And a nice grand-author wouldn't be too much to ask.

*A/N: You've been talking to Grandma again, haven't you?*

I've no idea what you mean, I'm sure. And she wants you to call her.

*A/N: I'll be in tub.*

Since Malfoy insists I not express myself to you as muggles are accustomed to,-

(_How do you know they're accustomed to screaming at one another?)_

All the ones I've ever know screamed constantly. Almost from the moment they saw me.

(_I'm seeing a connexion.)_

Lucius, love, why don't you go and let us ladies handle this?

(_If you need anything, stun Bellatrix and run. I'll save you.)_

I love you too, darling.

On Selecting a Partner:

There are so many options for the muggle on the go! I'm given to understand that muggles have some ridiculous idea that one should marry solely for love. I'm pretending I never heard that, and will therefore address you as the reasonable muggle you are.

Anyway, it's paramount to find a reputable venue for your muggle hunt (not that kind, Trixie). Perhaps a musicale, a ball or some sort of muggle entertainment, like driving an automobile-machine?

**Or a Revel. There's always plenty of muggles there. Not for long, but aren't doomed love affaires just so dramatic? Do choose one that screams, the strong silent type are tiresome. **

Once you've seen a likely candidate, try to get an acquaintance to introduce you. It's important to stress how fragile and vulnerable you are, so make sure they slip in a mention of how often you faint. And perhaps ask discreetly for a bank statement, so you can be sure you'll be kept in the manner to which you're accustomed.

**Since you're muggles, I'm going to assume that means making sure their shack is sufficiently filthy and there are plenty of pigs to slop. Or whatever.**

This next step might prove harder; convincing your father to cast aside his choice for your own. Now, this might seem daunting at first, but if you've done your lessons up to this point (and I know you have, darling. Wouldn't want to disappoint us, would you?) it should be easy.

**She's right. And it won't ultimately matter in the end, once the Dark Lord, in His wisdom, has decided that muggles have outlived their usefulness. But until then, pay attention. **

I might suggest sending away the servants, and then crying a little (adorably, of course. Do try not to let your cheeks get tear stained, ruins the whole affect.) Explain your heart is quite set, and that you'll simply have to waste away for love unless you can marry whomever you've chosen.

**I've no particular advice for this part. I married Rodolphus because he seemed relatively inoffensive. And I was correct; he doesn't snore a bit.**

(_His other proclivities not withstanding.)_

**You should be nicer, Malfoy. He thinks of you as his best mate.**

(_Truly?)_

**Would I lie?**

(_Probably. Still, that's...really very awkward and unwelcome.)_

**That's what I said.**

Anyway, darlings, remember: if all else fails, put your arms about your father's neck and say 'But Daddy, I daresay it's because he reminds me so much of you!' And then look winning.

**Precisely how does one look winning?**

One simply makes the eyes very large, and drops the head a bit, and then bites her lip ever so slightly.

**I shall attempt it. DO YOU M-muggles see how I suffer for you?**

(_Yet another sight I could have died happy without seeing. It's all right, fire whiskey will take the pain away.)_

**The muggle hasn't got any.**

(_No, but I have_.)

*A/N: Is that my snoopy glass?*

(I'd offer to share but I shall need all of this to help me retain my will to survive.)

And it's really very important he survive, love. Not least so he can see the grand-author you've promised us.

**Shall we continue? Or have the muggles had enough truth for one night?**

( _I daresay Madea has. I've never seen her cry so hard before_.)

We should do something to help.

**Quite. MUGGLE, IF THIS NOISE DOES NOT STOP, I WILL TAKE YOUR CAT AGAIN! IT'S AS INSOLENT AND LAZY AS YOU ARE.**

(_I'd suggest running while she's distracted_.)

Until next time, darlings!


End file.
